Bite the Bullet

Just bite the bullet and move on.
Its all easier said than done. Especially so if you're going through some kind of an emotional roller coaster

Say, begining of the year, you get to know someone and you tend to spend alot of time with him. Say dinners, classes, hobbies, movies, giving you a ride home when you need the most, all that. And some how, in the mist of all the on-goings, you suddenly reaslise that hey, maybe I've fallen for him. You don't express your feelings towards him because you're afraid that it would somehow jinx or change the relationship. So, what do you do? Keep quiet about it, with the expectation that things will turn out the way you want it to be.

But then, suddenly, he tells you that he's going away for a holiday during the hols. And that feeling that tells you that you might miss him creeps in. However confused you felt, you thanked your lucky stars that you didn't had the time to think it through. Its not whether you wanted to avoid the matter and face your feeling but it was more so because the examinations were the ones that were clouding your vision to see clearly. So, what is it that you do? Chuck the matter aside.

Out of the blue, while you were busy studying, there came an overseas message from him. It might be a sign that he missed you. Maybe a sign that he was bored ( which is pretty unlikely). But what bugged you was that he was willing to sent you a message from where he was. So, how did you react to the matter? You jumped up & down at home, feeling as though you were in cloud nine and shouting 'He misses me' many times, not knowing the real reason why he actually messaged you. Maybe he messaged you because he was bored or he was getting into getting the mind games to start. And because of this message, you were somehow deluded by the illusion that maybe he misses you, meaning to say that maybe he does share the same feeling. And how do you react to that? Keep smiling like everything's going to fall in place.

When he comes back from his trip, he tells you that he's in a relationship, WITH SOMEONE ELSE. You felt like you are loosing it. You feel that the world is unfair. You go, HOW CAN THIS BE? HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? DID I WAIT TOO LONG? DIDN'T I GIVE HIM ENOUGH TIME? WAS IT BECAUSE I FEARED REJECTION THAT I KEPT THOSE FEELINGS THAT I HAD FOR HIM ALL BOTTLED UP IN ME? Questions after questions go through you're mind. Your bestie said that what's best is for you to get over it. Bite the bullet and get on with life. But you don't know how long it would take you to recover.

When I sit back and think and look through it all. There are alot of maybes or should haves that could have changed the current situation. I am lost for words to know what or how I'm going to move on. I'm not too sure how I'm not going to do something without being reminded of him. And what's worst, he still doesn't know that I've all along had feelings for him and I'm acting like I'm a good friend, standing by him, supporting and telling him to calm down when his gf doesn't call or msg him. At some point, I sometimes feel like telling him that hey, i'm here right in front of you, can't you see ME??

I know it all sounds like i'm all delusional or self-centred or a pathetic fool, what ever you can call it. I don't intend to let it be that way. I know that I'm not like that. I'm strong, certain, considerate and smart. But sometimes when these things happen, it just gets the best of you. And what can you do? Bite the bullet........

D80 baby

I know I know.. Its been a long while since I've written anthing. There's so too many things that I've gotta tell u. My b'day, my photographs, my photo shoots. And to top it off, my EXTREMELY crazy schedule. My lecturer is mad beyond mad. And his workload isn't exactly lighthearted. I'm prepared to be shrunken into bits and pieces by the end of this sem. Exams are in 2 months time and there's ALOT to learn.

If you guys are wondering what have I been doing since the last entry, well i've been having classes on weekends and on some weekends, its from 9am till 8pm. Yes, beyond your wildest dreams that D can stay in school at such LONG hours.. Though it isn't the first time that I've done such things, remember last term's revision period. Well, that was for only a month's worth of weekends, this is more like the whole semester.

And attending James's class is a MAJOR roller-coaster ride. In his words, its called "exciting". To us, the students, its called running the Standard Chartered 42km run. And right now, I'm in the mist of doing my essay. To all, does Target Costing ring a bell???????

Ok, other then photography, i'm usually down with my photography buddy Zahari. Yes we are tight. The close-friends tight. Please ah.. Though we did get the couple look a couple of times. Like when we dine out or when we go for photography. There was once when one of our friends thought that we were an item. This is how it went.

On my last photography lesson day, Zahari didn't joined me because he had to prepare for class the next day. You, the type whereby you've got a HOD coming to your class and observe the way you teach? (Oh yah, if I forgot to mention, Zahari is a teacher. So when we say to our friends that 'we've got school', we BOTH have school. Just differ in our occupations only. Hee! Hee! Hee!) So I went to class alone & met with the rest of my classmates who come from all walks of life. And when class ended, I sort of bumped into one of them at the train station and we were going to take the same train. So this is how it goes.

Me: Hi!
E: Hello! U taking the same train?
Me: Yes. I'm staying in Kembangan
E: Oh! I'm from Pasir Ris.
Me: Ic Ic
E: 'How come your husband didn't come today?'
Me: 'Oh! U mean the guy I'm usually with? He's not my husband.'
E: 'Oh so sorry. Your boyfriend?'
Me:' Oh, he's not my boyfriend either. He's just a close friend.'
E:' Oh, so sorry! I really didn't know. So how come he's not here today?'
( and the conversation went on ....)

Imagine how shocked I was when he said that. Oh k.. Now I'm suprised to hear that people in class have thought about the both of us to such extent.

Oh, btw, I GOT MY D80 with 18-200mm lens. YAHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So right now, i've got 2 camera bodies & 5 lenses.

2 Nikon Bodies

D80 -> fresh from the IT show
FE SLR -> Inherited from Daddy

5 Lenses
18 - 200mm VR-> bundle with my D80
50mm f1.8 -> a birthday gift from Zahari
105mm ->Inherited from Daddy
35mm ->Inherited from Daddy
300mm ->Inherited from Daddy

Wedding Gubahans - Guys To Girls

Wedding Gubahans - Girls to Guys

Check out my Slide Show!

Photographer Wannabe

Here I am, this time, much much more busier then ever...

Since grandpa's hospitalisation, things have been followed by many many activities. I was with Zahari the whole day on Saturday. More camera & photo sessions. Pretty fun you can say. I mean, what else can I say, I went out to take photographs, went over his place to settle the camera arrangements which he ended up lending to me his D40 for Tuesday's class after all. And have someone to cook for you a late lunch. What can I say, I did have a good Saturday out with him.

Before meeting Zahari on Saturday, I went to collect my CompuTrekker. Its WONDERFUL. What else can I say? I like the bag. But the problem right now is that I find it a little too BIG for me. I mean, the straps cutting are a bit too wide. Zahari said that I should swap with his CompuDay Pack, something that's smaller. I did try it on & I find it quite comfy actually. Not too large for me. It gives a better fit for me.

So after some thorough thinking, I have decided to swap with his bag. I mean, how am I to bring it along for photography classes when its too big. Already as it is, I'm thinking of lending his Novo AW slingbag. Come on, how am I to carry a backpack when I'm wearing a dress or a blouse? Hehehe.. On Saturday itself when he was about to pass the camera to me, he was prepared to hand it to me with the NOVO AW. Ni dipanggil GATAL/CHEEKY. Orang dah offer tak nak. Sombong. Now I'm thinking of borrowing it from him. D, please decide....

Sunday, I was over at Kak Inah's house, doing her wedding gubahan. With her cats in the house, it was fun. You can only see her cats flossing their teeth. Hehehe.. Honestly, that wasn't what they intend to do but when my aunt was sewing something, this fella thought that it was some sort of a toy, something for it to play with. So he ended up flossing his teeth while my playing with my aunt's threads.

The cats are so cute & utterly so manja. One will for no apparent reason will just sit on my lap, hoping that I will massage or rub his body.. Even if I played with his paws or continue stroking while it is sleeping, it will be just glad & sleep soundly.

There was one moment when the striped cat found itself in a box & I covered it with the lid that has HOLES. And it seems that the cat enjoyed staying in the box. Hahaha.. Later, the other cat, the manja fella, well he tried to find a solution to help to get his friend out of the box. It was really cute seeing them like that. I badly wanted to snap pix of them. Playing around. Sleeping like a big boss in the house. Oh how I wish I can keep cats...

Back to School

Yesterday was my first day back at school. It was pretty much a crazy I can say. And James Kwan's speed isn't exactly going at 60km/h but more of 130km/h. Everything moves at a very fast speed. Shifting gears takes place very fast and we are always expected to stick to gear 5 when we are on the highroad. And when we've stuck, we've gotta put on the hazard lights just to signal to him to slow down.

I feel like taking up another module. F7. But i've gotta consult James regarding my idea about this. I mean, if I do take F7, I do have a choice of either taking Mr Goh, my taxation lecturer or another day of James. Which is it, I'm not too sure about that. I really want to know how heavy is F7 because its financial reporting, similar to 1.1 but of a higher standard. So maybe I might take another module. I mean, if its bad, how bad can it get? And another one of James's class, well, then I really badly terribly have no life.....

Heading out for a short photography session tomorrow with the Zahari & he's accompanying me to get that Lowepro CompuTrekker from that fella online. Got it at a great deal actually there. So I probably be gettin my hands on that D40 of his. Nope, shall not even touch his D200. Forget it. Firstly its heavy & the other thing is that I'm so afraid that it might slip out of my fingers due to its overwhelming weight. For a guy, yah, it's alright. Perfect size & everything. But for a girl, for fingers s dainty like ours, no thanks. If I dropped that D200, Zahari will definately be on fire & he'll be on my neck 24/7 about it. Just like a vampire...

It seems that I've gotta go off here.. I'm actually at Changi General Hospital right now. Granp's warded and everybody's working in the day so I have to come over to check things out while he's in the hospital. Everyone else is coming in the evening while I can come during the day. What can I say, part of the duties of being a granddaughter.....