Bite the Bullet

Just bite the bullet and move on.
Its all easier said than done. Especially so if you're going through some kind of an emotional roller coaster

Say, begining of the year, you get to know someone and you tend to spend alot of time with him. Say dinners, classes, hobbies, movies, giving you a ride home when you need the most, all that. And some how, in the mist of all the on-goings, you suddenly reaslise that hey, maybe I've fallen for him. You don't express your feelings towards him because you're afraid that it would somehow jinx or change the relationship. So, what do you do? Keep quiet about it, with the expectation that things will turn out the way you want it to be.

But then, suddenly, he tells you that he's going away for a holiday during the hols. And that feeling that tells you that you might miss him creeps in. However confused you felt, you thanked your lucky stars that you didn't had the time to think it through. Its not whether you wanted to avoid the matter and face your feeling but it was more so because the examinations were the ones that were clouding your vision to see clearly. So, what is it that you do? Chuck the matter aside.

Out of the blue, while you were busy studying, there came an overseas message from him. It might be a sign that he missed you. Maybe a sign that he was bored ( which is pretty unlikely). But what bugged you was that he was willing to sent you a message from where he was. So, how did you react to the matter? You jumped up & down at home, feeling as though you were in cloud nine and shouting 'He misses me' many times, not knowing the real reason why he actually messaged you. Maybe he messaged you because he was bored or he was getting into getting the mind games to start. And because of this message, you were somehow deluded by the illusion that maybe he misses you, meaning to say that maybe he does share the same feeling. And how do you react to that? Keep smiling like everything's going to fall in place.

When he comes back from his trip, he tells you that he's in a relationship, WITH SOMEONE ELSE. You felt like you are loosing it. You feel that the world is unfair. You go, HOW CAN THIS BE? HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? DID I WAIT TOO LONG? DIDN'T I GIVE HIM ENOUGH TIME? WAS IT BECAUSE I FEARED REJECTION THAT I KEPT THOSE FEELINGS THAT I HAD FOR HIM ALL BOTTLED UP IN ME? Questions after questions go through you're mind. Your bestie said that what's best is for you to get over it. Bite the bullet and get on with life. But you don't know how long it would take you to recover.

When I sit back and think and look through it all. There are alot of maybes or should haves that could have changed the current situation. I am lost for words to know what or how I'm going to move on. I'm not too sure how I'm not going to do something without being reminded of him. And what's worst, he still doesn't know that I've all along had feelings for him and I'm acting like I'm a good friend, standing by him, supporting and telling him to calm down when his gf doesn't call or msg him. At some point, I sometimes feel like telling him that hey, i'm here right in front of you, can't you see ME??

I know it all sounds like i'm all delusional or self-centred or a pathetic fool, what ever you can call it. I don't intend to let it be that way. I know that I'm not like that. I'm strong, certain, considerate and smart. But sometimes when these things happen, it just gets the best of you. And what can you do? Bite the bullet........